Not now, not ever

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You know that nag that so many godawful services employ nowadays? Would you like enable [insert upselling scam]? Be it Siri, OneDrive, or some other form of data sharing with big tech. The thing that bugs me the most is how somebody somewhere – may their soul burn in Hell forever and ever – found out that you get more sales by not allowing the user to say ‘No’.

Instead you can just evade the proposition temporarily. ‘Not now’. ‘Maybe later’. ‘Let me think about it’. It’s the slow wearing down of resistance. It’s the refusal to take no for an answer. It’s incredibly disrespectful. It’s f***ing evil.

(Come to think of it Valve are responsible for this too, when they ask you nag you to review games you’ve played. Is it more excusable somehow, because you might actually be in a better position to review after 30 hours than after 10? Hmmm…)

In Fallout 4 you encounter potential NPC companions all the time. My character’s most core attribute? Lone Wanderer. That trait gives bonuses to damage resistance and damage dealing when playing without companions. More importantly, because of my roleplay and gameplay preferences I would never want to take a companion with me regardless of the maths. Yes, that includes the damn dog.

As pointed out by Adam Something on YouTube recently, Fallout 4 isn’t very accomodating of roleplaying, unless you’re roleplaying the exact character that Bethesda designed for you. A grieving, heart-stricken Goody Two-Shoes looking for Sean. Thing is, that extends to companions, too.

The character I’m playing as never gave a second thought to Dogmeat after telling it to scram at the Red Rocket. Yet Nick Valentine refers to it in Diamond City as ‘that dog of yours’. What dog? That one? I told that dog ‘no’! Turns out, I didn’t. I just said ‘stay there (until I come back for you)’. Because despite not wanting anything to do with you, somehow a random encounter has now joined us at the hip. At least, I think, I will now have to go back to Red Rocket and get it. Maybe I can pretend Nick was just suggesting using a dog to track Kellogg – and I countered with ‘this one I ran into at a gas station’. Nope. Random dog I never had any truck with, shows up outside my door. Because Bethesda doesn’t take no for an answer.

Other companions are mostly worse. You can excuse a dog for not understanding no. It had taken a shine to me and followed me all the way to Diamond City. Nick is also exempt as I am engaging his services in a way and he’s just offering to be useful in that regard. But I’m running out of excuses for the rest of the team. Ada insists that she’ll basically just stand by untill I come round. Are automatons made to be socially oblivious? Isn’t ‘no’ the easiest thing to understand for a machine? It’s as binary as it gets. It’s an off switch.

I get that the game is trying to keep options open for me. Maybe I would want to do Brotherhood of Steel missions later on? If ‘no’ really meant ‘no’ that would no longer be an option. Do I have to shoot Danse in the head to make him stop pining for me?

Honestly, I wish it did. I’ll never play most of this game. I’m mainly here to explore the Commonwealth and see cars blow up and heads turn into gore in slow motion. As much as I’m enjoying all of those things now – and I really am – they will get old soon. So I’m not sticking around for a lot of side quests and content.

Having NPCs get offended by my buff refusal to engage with them as characters or their quest lines would close doors for me. As someone who paid 7.50€ for the GOTY version, however, that’s OK. I don’t require oodles of content for my 7.50. To me it would be more valuable to have it reinforce my sense of who my character is. A asocial loner. A grumpy old man. Someone whose sense of humour is leaving live grenades in people’s pockets. A prick. It would also give more weight to dialogue options. Am I really sure that I want to turn these people down for good?

It would also mean that a game wouldn’t remind me of big tech BS. That kinda ruins my immersion, Bethesda.

For the love of games (and writing), please stop telling me Hades is the roguelike game for people who don’t like roguelikes

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Borrowed taglines and recycled designations irk me. Hades is “The Perfect Roguelike For People Who Don’t Like Roguelikes”, says GameInformer. Polygon quips, “Even roguelike haters love Hades” (and doubles down a few months later with a video called “Hades is a roguelike for roguelike haters”). Vice thinks “‘Hades’ Is the Perfect Roguelite for People Who Don’t Like Roguelites”. (Credit to PC Gamer for putting a spotlight on how widely used the phrase is.)

At this volume it comes off as an echo chamber and a schoolyard consensus. And because I am annoyed I hope to annoy other people by referring to the aphorism as HITRFPWDLR and pronouce it “hitarfeepowdolar”.

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No Man’s Sky: Curiosity (update not found)

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After walking through a giant portal that appeared in the desert on a planet in No Man’s Sky, the game presented me with a veiled questionnaire, presented as different reasonings in my character’s inner monologue. Why, my character asked themselves, had they walked through that portal? Or less veiled-ly, Hello Games asked me, the player.

There were three options: To save an NPC? To fight an enemy faction? Or ‘just because I can’?

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The politics question mark of Infinifactory

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Infinifactory is a strange title. The game features a limited amount of scenarios, each requiring a finite amount of output. And without spoilers I can say, that the neverending story this is not. You finish the last puzzle and you get an ending. I get the factory bit, just not the inifini bit. Spacechem is about making chemicals. In space. Granted it’s not exactly an exciting naming convention but at least it delivers on both parts.

Now, I know that it’s a distant relation of Infiniminer which to some may be enough but allow me to speculate: Infinifactory is a progression in Zachlike naming into the self aware stage. Zachlikes – the shorthand for the genre that Zach Barth and Zachtronics spawned – are expressions of the belief in endless growth. You make better and better machines that will continue to convert input into output, steadily and reliably.

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Positive Uplifting Battlegrounds

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I have a PUBG winrate of 0.000. By the unique logic of PUBG maths this puts me in the top 7% of players, rated by winrate. Probably along with all the other 93% schmucks who have yet to earn a single fowlflavoured dinner.

In Hearthstone I have – or rather had – a winrate of probably slightly above 0.5, i.e. averaging a win and a bit for every loss. Although the odds are much more in your favour in a game of Hearthstone (1:1) than in a game of PUBG (1:99) this is still a much better performance.

And yet: While I have yet to savour chicken, PUBG leaves me with a much better taste in my mouth than Hearthstone. In Hearthstone losses linger, while wins evaporate. In PUBG on the other hand, the positive experiences are accentuated.

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Hitman’s Show And (Don’t) Tell

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Hitman (2016) may or may not be a great game but it gets one thing brilliantly, astonishingly right. It is a quest marker game that is playable without quest markers. I would wager that it is in fact designed to be playable with or without quest markers. And for that I want to smother the good people of IO Interactive. With kisses, that is. Not a pillow. Or a bag. Or any other of a thousand possible, inviting murder instruments.

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